Today is an epic day. Everyone has a responsibility. Your responsibility is to look deeply at both candidates' characters and actions and through a meticulous fact-checking research study, vote for who you think would best lead our country. My responsibility is to do the same and get off my fat ass and vote, and your responsibility is to now leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah, I said it and I'll say it again. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't care who you are; your candidate sucks, so leave me alone. I don't care who you voted for or why you think so-and-so is better than so-and-so. I'll bet 90% of people who voted today don't understand the real issues and couldn't describe either candidate's economic/healthcare/tax/any other plan if you offered them the position as head judge in the Oral Sex Olympics.
Elections prove one thing and one thing only: people, in general, suck. It's the same goddamned popularity contest from the high school student body elections all over again. Who made us laugh the most, who looks better on stage, who totally hooked up with Holly Skenbacher under the bleachers and is now the most totally cool kid in school 'cause his parents got a divorce and bought him a car!
I'm so tired of all of it. Vote for...... Vote for....... Why aren't you voting for....... Please vote for........ You know, if you really cared about this country, you'd vote for....... I'm donating my facebook status to vote for........
Holy crap, could we be any more pathetic. I totally understand that this is an important election and I am grateful that so many people who, in the past, have shunned the election process are getting out and voting, but that's no excuse for acting like a cocksneeze. Simple as that.
So today, when you cast your ballot and get your free coffee and free ice cream, remember that the rest of us have to live with you, and go home to staplegun your mouth closed. Uncle Sam Wants You........To Shut The Hell Up.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Halloweenie
Well, it's Halloween again and that means three things: I get to see hundreds of girls with no personalities of their own dress up like bunnies or cowgirls, I eat way too many Peeps and don't regret it afterwards even though I should, and I remember how much better life was when I was a kid.
Ah, the Halloweens of old, how I miss ye. I miss the joy of planning a great costume for 5 months only to have the joy wear off 30 minutes into the adventure when I realize I can't breathe through the Darth Vader mask and now must carry it in my hand along with my broken lightsaber and torn cape that keeps choking me. I loved being able to take candy from strangers and only worry about what flavor filling was inside rather than what kind of razor blade or coma-inducing opiate. Wasn't it the best the first time you walked up to a house that had a scarecrow on the porch that turned out to be your neighbor waiting to scare the shit out of you and every other little snot on the block? Good times, good times.
As a child, nothing could deter you from vacating your abode of safety and ravenously pillaging the porches of slight acquaintances. The excitement lay in the idea of being someone other and better than yourself for at least one night and being rewarded handsomely for it. But as the world moves on and time forceably drags you along into the future, something changes. Scratch that, everything changes. As a child, on October 31 between 5 and 8 p.m. you were not yourself as Dick Tracy, or yourself posing as Cinderella; you were Dick Tracy, and you were Cinderella. You emboddied them body and soul and your mission was to go out and obtain candy for your new-found ability to morph. But as you grow older, you lose the ability to embody and only remember how to pose. You become Jeff as The Marlboro Man or Sandy as Lois Griffin and you go get drunk and forget about the problems of being "grown up." It's a shame.
On a side note, it has come to my view that for the past many years, Halloween has become an excuse for high school and college girls to not dress in a costume, but rather dress as a slutty version of themselves. Slutty nurse, slutty cowgirl, slutty Mona Lisa. Now, don't get me wrong, I think beauty in all its forms should be respected and viewed, but view it sensibly; from a tree branch outside their windows with binoculars and baby oil, like a good adult. Halloween should not be an excuse to promote the fact that the only personality you have hangs in a pair between your armpits and cost you $1500. I just sat and listened to a 20 minute conversation about how some girl wanted to be a peacock for Halloween but all she had was a neon blue, skin-tight jumpsuit she found at a thrift store, but she thought that was good enough. No. I hate you. die.
Also, to the rap population of the world. Today is the only day you should be able to use the word "Boo" in casual conversation and not get shot in the dick. That is all.
This post is getting quite long and if you are still reading it I applaud you. I will end by simply saying that I love Halloween, if for no other reason than the nocturnal nostalgia it brings and the opportunity to watch Garfield's Halloween Adventure with the Pirate ghosts with a bucket of Peeps. Ok, now I bid ye farewell, 'fore I must get into my scarecrow outfit and go sit on the porch and wait for all those little snots to try and take herion-filled Reece's from my bowl. I'm going to make that Anderson boy shit his pants this year, I just know it.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
P. S. (Boo!)
Ah, the Halloweens of old, how I miss ye. I miss the joy of planning a great costume for 5 months only to have the joy wear off 30 minutes into the adventure when I realize I can't breathe through the Darth Vader mask and now must carry it in my hand along with my broken lightsaber and torn cape that keeps choking me. I loved being able to take candy from strangers and only worry about what flavor filling was inside rather than what kind of razor blade or coma-inducing opiate. Wasn't it the best the first time you walked up to a house that had a scarecrow on the porch that turned out to be your neighbor waiting to scare the shit out of you and every other little snot on the block? Good times, good times.
As a child, nothing could deter you from vacating your abode of safety and ravenously pillaging the porches of slight acquaintances. The excitement lay in the idea of being someone other and better than yourself for at least one night and being rewarded handsomely for it. But as the world moves on and time forceably drags you along into the future, something changes. Scratch that, everything changes. As a child, on October 31 between 5 and 8 p.m. you were not yourself as Dick Tracy, or yourself posing as Cinderella; you were Dick Tracy, and you were Cinderella. You emboddied them body and soul and your mission was to go out and obtain candy for your new-found ability to morph. But as you grow older, you lose the ability to embody and only remember how to pose. You become Jeff as The Marlboro Man or Sandy as Lois Griffin and you go get drunk and forget about the problems of being "grown up." It's a shame.
On a side note, it has come to my view that for the past many years, Halloween has become an excuse for high school and college girls to not dress in a costume, but rather dress as a slutty version of themselves. Slutty nurse, slutty cowgirl, slutty Mona Lisa. Now, don't get me wrong, I think beauty in all its forms should be respected and viewed, but view it sensibly; from a tree branch outside their windows with binoculars and baby oil, like a good adult. Halloween should not be an excuse to promote the fact that the only personality you have hangs in a pair between your armpits and cost you $1500. I just sat and listened to a 20 minute conversation about how some girl wanted to be a peacock for Halloween but all she had was a neon blue, skin-tight jumpsuit she found at a thrift store, but she thought that was good enough. No. I hate you. die.
Also, to the rap population of the world. Today is the only day you should be able to use the word "Boo" in casual conversation and not get shot in the dick. That is all.
This post is getting quite long and if you are still reading it I applaud you. I will end by simply saying that I love Halloween, if for no other reason than the nocturnal nostalgia it brings and the opportunity to watch Garfield's Halloween Adventure with the Pirate ghosts with a bucket of Peeps. Ok, now I bid ye farewell, 'fore I must get into my scarecrow outfit and go sit on the porch and wait for all those little snots to try and take herion-filled Reece's from my bowl. I'm going to make that Anderson boy shit his pants this year, I just know it.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
P. S. (Boo!)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Displace This...
Right now I'm sitting in my favorite room of my house: the bathroom; and I'm doing my favorite thing to do in this room: that's right, make laniard bunnies. What did you think? Gross. I'm sitting here because it seems this is the only place I can escape the myriad of questions concerning this "Displace Me" thing.
If you don't know what "Displace Me" is, I will explain it to you. In order to stop African children from being kidnapped and forced to become soldiers, hundreds of college and high school students are going camping one night to learn about suffering. If that seems incredibly dumb to you that's because it is. (This is the part where you start to hate me) Let me say for the record that I am not in favor of the kidnapping and forced soldierhood of African children. I truly do think that this is a worthy cause to fight for. Having said that let me reiterate how amazingly dumb this "Displace Me" idea is. Let me get this straight, in order to stop kidnapping and labor of children in AFRICA, you are suggesting that I go CAMPING with hundreds of my friends to understand what it is like to be homeless? Is that what's going on? Seriously? You couldn't be more ineffective if you tried. If you walked up to a starving Ethiopian and looked him square in the eye and said "I know how you feel, once in college I skipped dinner twice" you would sound like the most arrogant and idiodic asshole that ever walked the face of this planet. Skipping that meal solved nothing expect making you hungrier for the next time you ate at which point you probably overate and stretched the lining of your stomach causing stretch marks that will eventually kill you, congratulations fucktard .
"Displace Me" is a vain attempt for underappraciative middle-class kids to have a chance to feel good about themselves by hiding behind the facade of service. "Well if you're so high and mighty Paladin, what are you doing to help the Invisible Children from that movie I watched once that made me cry like a Sally Struthers commercial?" What am I doing? Nothing. I am doing absolutely nothing, just like you, except I'm not hiding behind a mask good intentions and a camping trip. It's like you are walking up to someone at their father's funeral and patting them on the shouler and saying "Last month, my dad went on vacation for four days and I didn't know what to do with myself; so I know just how you feel." What a douchey thing to say and no one in their right mind would do something like that. If you really want to help, go over to Africa yourself, find a child that has been kidnapped and handed a gun and carry them back to America with you, then do that again and do it again and again and againandagainandagainandagainandagianandagain until there are no more children to save, THEN come talk to me about all the good you did. What is Schindler had acted like you? What if he had said "Fuck my list, I'm gonna go shovel three pounds of dirt to understand what those Jews are feeling. Then Hitler will see what he is doing is wrong." I'm betting he wouldn't have a movie made about him, what do you think? And please don't write comment after comment telling me I'm "way off base". I am fully aware that I have simplified this, I know how it all works and don't need you to tell me again your justification for hanging out with your friends and "changing the world". If you ask me its all a huge load of shit, which coincidentally is exactly what I just did, that and my new laniard bunny named Mr Jerricakes.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sex, Lies and Video Games
I figured I would start this new blog off by posting an ol' favorite, so here goes:
Okay, I have had enough. If one more person tells me that violent video games affected them and they think that that brings conclusive evidence to the table on why video games (especially violent ones) should be banned, I'm going to kick a baby in the face, right in the goddamn face. And not just any baby...I'm gonna find a cute baby, an honest to God cute baby (not one that the parents say is cute and everyone just agrees but later behind the parents' backs everyone is like "Wow, that baby was fucking ugly.") I mean a really cute baby, maybe one concieved by hot famous people that has a weird name like "Apple" or "Sherbert". Then I'm going to thrust my foot into it's face with a great amount of force caused by my leg muscles.
We've had enough! Stop blaming the video games for problems they aren't causing! "But Paladin, the kids from Columbine played "Doom" before they went and shot all those innocent kids." Good point douche-copter, did you know the other startling fact about Columbine? 10,234,845 other kids played "Doom" as well and didn't do shit. They went to school and thought up clever ways to get out of homeroom like the rest of us. Those two fags from Columbine were messed up to begin with. I'm sure they watched MacGyver every afternoon and jerked off too, but no one is boycotting that show.
We always look for someone to blame in every controversy and tend to overlook the real issue: Root out creepy kids. These kids were outcasts. Apparently, the rest of the school had figured out that they were kids that people should stay away from. If we can learn anything from tragic events like this, its that peer pressure is always right. Everyone is always right. If you are the only one against a certain issue....you are the one that is wrong. Get used to it.
Back to video games. I am not saying that video games were not involved, however, all I am saying that is that you cannot place the entirity of the blame on video games. I jerk off all the time.................is that Brooke Burke's fault? NO! but trust me, she's involved. Okay, so let's recap. Baby's beware, Macgyver is jerk-off worthy, I like Brooke Burke too much, video games=good, and peer pressure is always right. Alright, that about wraps it up and since I am always right, that's the way its gonna be. So go into the world my people and live in a world not so scared of Crash Bandicoot and his gang of multi-pixelled brainwashers. Live Free!
Okay, I have had enough. If one more person tells me that violent video games affected them and they think that that brings conclusive evidence to the table on why video games (especially violent ones) should be banned, I'm going to kick a baby in the face, right in the goddamn face. And not just any baby...I'm gonna find a cute baby, an honest to God cute baby (not one that the parents say is cute and everyone just agrees but later behind the parents' backs everyone is like "Wow, that baby was fucking ugly.") I mean a really cute baby, maybe one concieved by hot famous people that has a weird name like "Apple" or "Sherbert". Then I'm going to thrust my foot into it's face with a great amount of force caused by my leg muscles.
We've had enough! Stop blaming the video games for problems they aren't causing! "But Paladin, the kids from Columbine played "Doom" before they went and shot all those innocent kids." Good point douche-copter, did you know the other startling fact about Columbine? 10,234,845 other kids played "Doom" as well and didn't do shit. They went to school and thought up clever ways to get out of homeroom like the rest of us. Those two fags from Columbine were messed up to begin with. I'm sure they watched MacGyver every afternoon and jerked off too, but no one is boycotting that show.
We always look for someone to blame in every controversy and tend to overlook the real issue: Root out creepy kids. These kids were outcasts. Apparently, the rest of the school had figured out that they were kids that people should stay away from. If we can learn anything from tragic events like this, its that peer pressure is always right. Everyone is always right. If you are the only one against a certain issue....you are the one that is wrong. Get used to it.
Back to video games. I am not saying that video games were not involved, however, all I am saying that is that you cannot place the entirity of the blame on video games. I jerk off all the time.................is that Brooke Burke's fault? NO! but trust me, she's involved. Okay, so let's recap. Baby's beware, Macgyver is jerk-off worthy, I like Brooke Burke too much, video games=good, and peer pressure is always right. Alright, that about wraps it up and since I am always right, that's the way its gonna be. So go into the world my people and live in a world not so scared of Crash Bandicoot and his gang of multi-pixelled brainwashers. Live Free!
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